Tuesday, December 4, 2012

So Unreal

I used to pretend like you're there at night, pillows by my side kept my sadness at bay. I wished you were still here for just one more day.
No body heat against my skin, so I plug in a heating pad so I can feel warmth emanate from where you used to lay. But I knew it wasn't you, so it just brought back memories of what I thought I needed.
That's why it's all so unreal.
Laundry all alone, and dinner just for one. I just knew the truth and pain had just begun.
Boy, I loved you something fierce, and you threw it all away.
Still, I kept praying to GOD because I knew that soon to come was a brighter day.
Yet, all of this is so unreal.
When I pulled up at night, I still looked for your car, then I realized that you were gone and sadness would take my breath away.
Promises not kept tear away at my heart. You're no longer here... what about til death do us part?
This is so unreal.
I used to feel like this is it. My life must be over. Yet, I still am here and it's already October.
God promised me he'd handle things and surely he did.
Never did I think that you I could forgive.
And it just doesn't seem real. In fact, it's surreal.
You left me scraping the bottom of the barrel, but GOD put me back on top.
So successful at all I do, now I can't be stopped.
So, go on and leave me now. I don't need you anyways.
GOD allowed me to fall and rise back to the top just so that I could eventually say...
"Yes, all of it was real and, because of GOD, pain I no more feel."

As I Am

Why can't you just accept me as I am?
My whole life, I've been poke and prodded, told that I'm not good enough, told what to do and who to become to be more acceptable to everyone else. But you say you love me.
So, why can't you just accept me as I am?
When I asked you what you liked about me, you told me you loved everything that I am. But you lied. You keep trying to changed things that make me ME and it really hurts my feelings.
But you still can't accept me as I am.
Why? Love does not judge, yet you're judging me. You don't like the way I dress. You don't like my type of fun. You don't even like my personality. I can tell because you keep trying to change it.
Maybe that's why you can't accept me as I am.
I'm not what you were looking for. You want a mini-me. Someone just like you, who does what you do and likes what you like. Well, that's not me. I'm sorry. I wish it was because I love you and never want you to go. But all I can be is ME.
So, Baby, just accept me as I am...

Sunday, November 25, 2012


I was scared. I was shy. I was discouraged. Brokenhearted, I knew not what to do. But it's time to open back up and deal with the fact that life has ups and downs. And, yes, the downs were much harder and lasted much longer than I thought they should, but it didn't kill me, though at times I thought they would.

Now, it's time to turn my life around. I'm young. I'm intelligent. I'm getting my life together, finally letting my hair down. No more worrying about what other people will say, or how they'll look at me. I see now that I need no man to define who I am or make feel lovely, attractive or sexy. I'm me, and that's all I ever need to be.

I let my guard down and this time around, I'm shocking everyone that me surrounds and myself too. I got up this morning with a new frame of mind and decided to change my outlook on life. I held on to my pain for much too long. Afraid of what may come to be, what if's and doubts helping me to keep wounds open and hold on to strife. I couldn't even live my life.

But life's too short. Time to let go, I heard my family say that to me day after day. Today is here and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. I didn't listen before. I declared myself a loser before I ever had the chance to say I'd won. Yes, I had to fall, but I'm better than ok and now I'm standing strong and tall.

No longer am I afraid of what for me awaits. I know who I am. I know where I am going. And I know who I'm growing to be. No longer do I live in throws of my mind's constraints. With GOD on my side, I cannot and will not fail, since he guides my feet. And with excitement and joy, I'll follow him to wherever he will direct me.

Friday, November 23, 2012

God Rescued Me...

Six years ago, I wrote this poem. I wrote it because, for the first time, I realized that I didn't get myself out of the worst situation I had ever found myself in. I tried to do it on my own and I failed several times. I only made it out because God rescued me...

God Rescued Me

Today I was rescued, saved from myself and all of my fears, led by my hand back to salvation. Though once I lay in solitude, in desolation, in destruction, frustrated with my life and the way I allowed myself to be treated. I'd come back asking for more time after time knowing that, on my own, I couldn't beat it. Nope, not at all.

But today, I was rescued. Scraped up off the ground by HE who is greater than me. Carried from the problems in my life that threw me around like a small fishing boat tossed about over the waves of the sea. Carried from the problems that had me feeling as hopeless as a damsel awaiting danger and in distress.

Thank GOD that I was rescued today! Who knows what might have happened. Sitting, waiting for the lion to devour me as I lay around in a shirt that has by my tears been dampened. A future so black and bleek due to the choices that I in the past made, so, thank GOD that finally, today, alas, I have been saved.

And now that, today, I have been rescued, I'm using strength from my heavenly Father to gather up all of the love in me and do my best to try to help another. Pick someone else up and help them get on their feet so that one day soon, they'll be rejoicing in their progress, singing aloud and grateful to know GOD, their true Rescuer too.